I would like to apologize for this rant in advance. Its something that's been bugging me for a long time now.
Recently, I lost someone very dear to me. He was a very good friend and the way I lost him hurt me deeper than I ever thought that he would hurt me. Well I wont go into full details, but will use some to help explain things, I will say this, we had gotten into a bad fight that ruined our relationship.
How did it ruin our relationship? Well, to put things simply, he choose not to understand. Its not that he didn't understand, he did. I know that he understood because he too was going through something very similar. He wanted to change his last name and I wanted to change my first. He wanted to change his cause of how bad his family was, and I for the same reasons.
So then what was the problem? Where does it begin?
He utterly refused to call me by my new name. But it was more than that. It stopped being about the name very quickly. It turned into a thing about us and how we view each others' feelings.
I told him why I wanted to change my name, he called my feelings "guilt tripping." Because explaining things to people so that they better understand you is "guilt tripping" (note the sarcasm). My reasons where the same as his, we both had bad families. I would of never, ever, in a million years called him by his last name. He had good reasons as to why not to be called by it.
This quickly became an issue of loyalty and respect. This was the man whom I stood by the side of on so many issues. When someone broke into his home and assaulted him, boom, I was by his side. When his back went bad, boom, I was there supporting him. But when I wanted to change my name, for the same reasons that he did, he wouldn't have any of it. I never felt so isolated from a friend in my life. It made me realize that I would have his back, no matter what, but he would NEVER have mine.
I felt betrayed. But this is just the surface of the issue. I stopped caring about the name very quickly in this argument.
He wouldn't call me by it cause it wasn't officially changed on paper. Fine, I get that. Its not official. However, it still doesn't change the degrees of respect we had for each other. He was not my doctor and I was not his, so it didn't matter what was on paper. His nickname was not his official name, but he didn't have a problem with people calling him by it.
It became a double-standard very quickly. It was OK for him to change his name and it not be official, but not for me to do it. I had enough respect to call him by his preferred name, his preferred pronouns, and to help him carry his stuff when he couldn't do it himself. But he did not return that respect.
So, the issue of the name quickly became the issues of;
Does he have respect for me?
Does he have any loyalty to me?
Does he care enough to try and fix our friendship when it breaks or gets a little rocky?
The answer to all of these was NO. If even one had been yes, then I could of worked with him and fixed the broken friendship. But they all were no. There was no ground to work on to fix what had happened. I wouldn't care if it took him 20 years to call me by my preferred name, as long as he made an effort to try. I understand that change is scary and that new things freight humans. What I don't understand, or maybe its more of don't accept, is what he did.
He chose not to understand. He chose to dismiss my feelings and not care about me. He and I both came from dark places, he knew how painful a name you hate can be. However, despite knowing my past, he chose to call it guilt tripping, and much, much worse. This is just a tip of an iceberg I don't want to go all the way into cause this rant will turn into a book. He had been my friend for over three years. We shouldn't be having issues with trust and respect, but we were.
He did not have the same level of respect for me as I had for him. Nor did he care to. He expected me to be there for him all the time, without ever being there for me. I thought he had my back, but he didn't. He stabbed me in the back when I least expected it.
And to make things worse, when it all was nearing its end, after I let him know how I felt about it all, he said to me; "Wish I could prove I care, but nothing I do can prove it." For anyone who thinks this shows that you care, it doesn't. This says "I care, but I don't really care." Its an admission to lying about caring. You are basically saying that you are unwilling to prove that you care. That you don't even want to bother proving that you care. So, basically, you are saying that you don't care.
So I ended the friendship. He betrayed my trust that I had placed in him. Well, I have forgiven him, I cannot forget what he did to me. Overall, he was a great man and I wish him the best and wish him well. I hope that he learns from this as I have learned from this.
And all this is what will led me to my next post.
So, until then, Blessed be and merry we part until we meet again,
Forest Seer )O(